My Struggle

Well, one of my struggles. The one I am dealing with right now.

Ok, I am going to be brutally honest here.

I have been struggling with some feelings of discontentment lately. I have been looking at other people's (some friends, some acquaintances, and some people I don't even know) "stuff" or "things" or whatever you want to call it, and that monster called envy has reared its ugly head in my life. Again.

Geesh, I really thought I was past this. So obviously I'm so disappointed. In myself. With these bad habits.

Incline my heart to Your testimonies, and not to covetousness.    Psalm119:36

I have even started complaining to my dear hubby. Yes I'm ashamed.

He works hard to provide for our family. And he is very supportive of me being a stay at home, home schooling mom. And I have actually had the nerve to complain about not having certain things. Yes... I am ashamed.

I am amazed at how fickle is this heart of mine. Just a few months ago I felt convicted to simplify. I've been cleaning out closets, going through cabinets, and clearing out toys and clothes and extra dishes, etc and taking them to the mission store. We have far too much stuff in our house. I know that.

And yet out of my mouth comes the words I didn't expect to hear. "We need a bigger house!"

What? I've gone from realizing that we have TOO MUCH, to thinking I need more space to put all this STUFF!

I guess I have not been guarding my heart as zealously as I should. Somehow, the worldliness has crept in...

Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him.    1 John 2:15

I know these thoughts are wrong, that they are lies from Satan. I try to combat them with the living, powerful Word of God.

Let your conduct be without covetousness, and be content with such things as you have. For He Himself has said, I will never leave you nor forsake you.    Hebrews 13:5

Yes, I am really surprised that I am struggling with this. I really thought I had grown more in my relationship with the Lord...that I had come to realize that things are just that...things...possessions...straw...wood.

He who loves silver will not be satisfied with silver; nor he who loves abundance, with increase. This also is vanity. When goods increase, they increase who eat them; so what profit have the owners except to see them with their eyes?   Ecclesiastes 5:10

And He said to them, Take heed and beware of covetousness, for one's life does not consist in the abundance of the things he possesses.    Luke 12:15

I thought God had inclined my heart to heavenly treasures, but somehow, somewhere along the way, I have allowed it to be turned back to worldly things. Things that will burn someday.

Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal; but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.    Matthew 6:19-21

So you see, I know that having a bigger house or more possessions or more money will not lead to contentment, but in fact will breed even more discontentment. I know this. I just don't understand why I'm struggling with it...

But if you have bitter envy and self-seeking in your hearts, do not boast and lie against the truth.   James 3:14

So there. I've admitted the ugly truth. There is bitter envy in my heart. Ugly, unwanted envy. My prayer is that my loving heavenly Father will pull these bitter weeds of envy out of my heart, and that He will plant in their place the seeds of contentment.

Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content.  Phillipians 4:11

But godliness with contentment is great gain.  1 Timothy 6:6